Thursday, November 27, 2008

A horrendous crime of being born

It is dark, lonely and hateful down here at the bottom of this infertility pit. The only thing that I despise more than my barren useless uterus (or 'uselesserus') is myself.

Not only am I mistreating my sister-in-law for her unforgivable, insensitive crime of getting herself pregnant, I am angry and resentful of my three-year-old niece for her horrendous crime of managing to get herself born in the first place.

Over recent weeks, Iris and I have been the best of mates. Since I have finished med school and am on holidays, Iris and I have been spending lots of time together.

Over the weeks we would cook together, read together, make up silly songs and dance. Swim. Giggle. Munch on fruit salad. Pretend the front lawn is the ocean and we are dolphins. Or sharks. Or dolphins swimming away from sharks. On one occassion we were Mummy and Daddy crabs and we sought out and adopted all the rest of the imaginary crabs in the ocean and taught them how to make lasagne.

But this week, to my shame, I can barely look her in the eye. I am so envious and jealous, angry and sad. She represents all that I want but cannot have. I can't bare to play games with her. I lie to her and tell her I am working. I am a bad person. And (worse) a bad aunty.